October 14 is the one-year anniversary of my resignation from a church I preached at for 23 years.
I have done lots of internal work since then. To be honest, I did lots of internal work before and during my resignation, too.
But ... I have found myself sad and anxious lately. Weird emotions pop up out of nowhere. Memories come flooding back, most good, some very hard and painful. It took me awhile to recognize what was happening.
Yes, the body keeps the score, but I believe the soul does, too.
My soul knew before my mind did that the one-year anniversary of a very painful day was approaching and she started to send out warning signals. I am a tad dense, so I didn't catch on right away.
But now I know.
So, I will be careful with myself. Tender, kind, compassionate.
It is never easy to walk away from people you love, a place you poured your life into, a community you belonged to. I will always carry a wound from doing that.
I have regret for the people I hurt, the bridges I burned, the good-byes that went unsaid.
But I will never apologize for why I left. That I cannot do. For those who don't know or don't remember why I resigned from my former church, I plan to repost my "Why I Left" statement again on October 14 of this year. For now, just know it was related to an issue about which I believe Christ himself convicted me.
Nonetheless, the scars still exist. The pain still emerges. The loss still stings.
The soul keeps the score, too.