I have Covid.
I had to miss a big family wedding, which broke my heart.
On the bright side, having to stay home has opened up a bit of time to do things I have been putting off. One of those things is working through my spending over the last few months to see where our money is actually going.
Let's just say denial is underrated.
I talked with a friend about this since she did the same thing in the last few days, and we noticed a link between mindless spending and mindless other things: eating, drinking, scrolling, basic time-wasting.
And we wondered with each other: What is it about our lovely lives that makes us feel that we must fall into a trance at times, numb ourselves, find ways of escape?
Are we fearful of boredom? Of quiet? Of ourselves?
Is our middle-class, Midwestern life sooooooooo rough that we need to live in some kind of fantasy world?
Why are we dulling our light?
Why are we diminishing our power and potential for good in the world through mindless consumption?
Is this how we want to spend our life?
Have you ever wondered these things about yourself?
I have been struck by the idea that meditation teacher Tara Brach says:
"Attention is the most basic form of love."
And I wonder, am I giving my attention to the things, the people I really love?
Or am I giving it away to nothing?